Coping with Loss: Tales of a Garbage Can

I am bereft! I am feeling shock, anger, fear, anger, frustration, sadness, shame, and um, anger. This is very rare for me. In fact, the analytical portion of my brain is intrigued by the extent of my emotional reaction to this tragedy. You see, I may have accidentally thrown away $500 worth of library books and media.

I'm a clean person. I like everything to have a place. But even more importantly, I usually remember where everything is; that is my nature. I'm very careful with things I own, and even more so about things I borrow. This only makes my loss more poignant.

In my office, the garbage can sits next to my desk. I place lots of things on my desk throughout the day. Sometimes things fall off my desk. Rarely do they land in the trash—but it does happen and I notice. I've tried moving the can to other areas, but it just doesn't fit. So I try to be careful and be mindful of the risk at all times.

Last night I prepared a bag of library materials to return. It included two rare documentaries about Ethiopia, some music CDs, a movie and a book. My desk is full of software from a cataloging project I'm working on, so the bag sat on the edge of the desk. I wanted to return it on my way home, but at the last minute it was too late, so I left it to return today.

It is gone. I noticed that fact first thing this morning. It sat directly above the garbage can. The book was unstable and may have slid off, dragging the bag into the trash. I have searched everywhere it may have been. I climbed through the dumpster checking every bag of trash (gross, but possible). No sign there, but the custodial crews say the dumpster may have been emptied earlier this morning.

Maybe I left it somewhere else? I've checked everywhere. Maybe the custodial staff found it and returned it? The unknowns are killing me!

The library said they will charge the cost of replacing the items. I can replace them myself, or ask them to do it. I don't trust their bargain hunting skills, so I have priced out the replacements: $400 for the two documentaries and $100 for everything else.

I feel sick.

I feel sick for my loss, sick for betraying the library's trust, for not acting more responsibly. It feels much deeper and more complex than I'll explain here.

The extent of my emotional reaction amazes me! It's not like my house burned down, or one of my family died. Why is my reaction so intense?

I have only felt this way a few times in my life, mostly as a child. Ironically, the most recent times were also related to garbage cans.

About five years ago, one of my roommates threw away a bag of old reel-to-reel movies and tapes of my parents and childhood. I had brought it from home to digitize as a surprise for my family. My roommate used it to prop open a door for a party, then assumed it was trash and threw it away. I felt sick then too. I also felt extremely angry, almost to the point of violence. That's scary! His mistake still stirs my displeasure.

Around the same time, my cousin accidentally threw away several scrapbooks about my grandfather's life, including 100's of photos, labeled and unexplored by me. They were not copied or backed up in any way. I felt sick then too. I also felt very, very sad for my family and particularly myself at the loss of knowing my grandfather better—particularly the grandmother I never knew.

Compared to those events, this is merely a monetary cost. None of the media was one of a kind, or priceless. It can all be replaced. I feel worst about the waste, the stupid waste and a cost that I can't afford. I also feel angry at myself for being stupid. I remember noticing the bag's precarious placement and the unstable book within. But the high stress and anxiousness of my life right now over-rode my good sense. That is why I feel anger above all else.

I'm being too hard on myself; I know that. It was an accident. But I don't have accidents! I'm usually too smart and aware for them. I think this is the heart of the matter, the source of my anger and emotion. I betrayed myself, ideals I stand for, and I took unnecessary risks that failed because of my own weaknesses. That bites!

This reminds me of another experience when a Russian folk dancer tricked me into tasting Vodka during a festival in Belgium. I felt extremely angry then, only at myself for being deceived to easily. I felt very sad about the "loss of my virginity", so to speak. I felt assaulted. I felt sad, confused and all that mixed together made me feel sick for several days. That is not healthy. I eventually learned from the experience and moved on.

So how do I handle these feelings? This post has helped put them in perspective. In the end, I'll pay up. I'll move on. Eventually, I'll feel better and maybe laugh about it. But deep down inside, I'll feel wiser and more cautious. I'll also have an increased understanding of anger, fear, pride, humility, and empathy for others. Maybe that's worth $500?