Bonds That Make Us Free

This is an amazing book! Not perfect, but amazing none the less. I find myself referring back to it in other conversations and using the concepts to clarify relationship problems and solutions, both for myself and for friends, family and society at large.

The fundamental premis is that we always have some part in our troubles. There is always something we can do to change or improve a situation or relationship. The most powerful change we can make is how we see the other person. Love and compasion can completely change the equation. These are the bonds that make us free.

The implications of this principle are staggering. If applied wisely, it's empowering. Where it is especially helpful is when people are stuck in their own weaknesses, amplifying their own pain and suffering. As the find and change their own faults an weaknesses, they can change and improve most situations. This does not mean that they make others change, only make room for others to change, if they choose. The alternative is to remain locked in a battle of wills, or weaknesses, that resonates our pain and suffering to a breaking point.

This book isn't about avoiding or healing all pain and suffering. Rather, it is to find and remove our own self-inflicted pain and suffering, while strengthening ourselves enough to uplift others and maybe help them do the same. On fundamental principle in this change that I refer to often is the idea of social "collusion", where two or more people create relationships, traditions, expectations, or facades that subconsciously reinforce rationalizations, lies, or defensive behaviors.

Identifying collusion and breaking it down is a major step in improving relationships. But doing so requires love and respect. Which, in turn, frees us from self-imposed pain and suffering and strengthening us to help others.

I have more to say on this book and subject. But this is enough for now.

Bonds That Make Us Free is available for free online. Meridian Magazine serialized it soon before its first printing in 2001. They also serialized another good read in the same vien; Leadership and Self-Deception, also by Terry Warner and the Arbinger Institute.